19 June 2013
Mommy is Normal
It was bed time. Daddy's turn for baths, my turn for story time and tuck-ins. Phia picked 10 Little Lady Bugs as her bed time book. I've read this book a million times. I could probably recite it from memory by now. I know exactly what happens in the book. Yet, for no reason at all, when there was, "One little lady bug sitting all alone..." I started to cry. I cried, even though I know for a fact that on the very next page the little lady bug isn't alone anymore. She meets up with the other nine ladybugs and she's, "Home!" All the ladybugs are happy with their happy animal friends and there I was trying to hide tears from my two year old.
After I read So her story, I sang her a song. Usually I sing You are my Sunshine, and last night was no different. I was holding back tears the entire song. So knew it, I think. She pulled away from my hug and looked at me confused a few times. Finally she asked for a different song. So I sang the only words I knew from "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and that seemed to satisfy her.
I read The Lion King to the big kids on the couch. I was choking up just trying to get the first sentence out. Tell me that's not the most irrational thing you've ever heard.
This isn't the first time I've struggled with depression. However, it's a whole different ball game when you're depressed and you've got kids. Instead of trying to hide it from my parents or my friends, I'm hiding it from my kids. I don't want them to see Mommy all down in the dumps. I don't want them to notice I don't care about much of anything. I want them to think Mommy is normal. And that's weird.