|Christmas is coming and Santa is stealing|
all of the credit.
1. Dude gets all the credit. Seriously. I spend hours in crowded stores mulling over which Barbie toy or which transforming dinosaur would be most appropriate. I balance the budget all year so you can have something nice under the tree. And this guy? He doesn't even exist but I'm supposed to give him the credit for a totally awesome bike that looks like a motorcycle. Not happening.
2. My kids will behave for Santa Claus. Eleven months out of the year I am begging and yelling and calmly asserting my authority in attempts to get you to just for one second stop arguing over a stupid toy that none of you really like or want anyway. This guy? You just hear his name and start thinking of all the wonderful presents and turn into an angel. Not fair.
3. Cookies. That's right, I said it. My kids will save cookies for you. No one saves cookies for me. Even though I'm the one that has to bake them.
4. Dude's a lie. Sooner or later my kids are going to figure this one out. You know who's going to be the bad guy? Not Santa Claus, that's for sure. I'm just going to be the big liar liar pants on fire jerk who made them believe in something just to get crushed by some mean 12-year-old who gets pleasure from breaking the spirits of small children. Thanks society, for forcing me to lie to my kids all the time. I'm not even really that good at it. "Is Santa really real?" "As real as you want him to be, honey."
5. He makes me have to explain really abstract theories. My 5-year-old has begun to question the possibility of there being other worlds in other solar systems and expects that there should be some other form of intelligent beings. Now that Christmas is around the corner he wants to know how Santa can possibly bring gifts to everyone in the Universe in only one night. Thanks for the headache, Santa!